setembro 01, 2018

What if...

What if this is it?
What if all you are and all you have right now it's the most you'll ever be / get?

People keep telling us not to give up our dreams, to keep fighting, to keep waiting, to have faith... But what if this is it? What if there's nothing more that what / how it is now? Is it enough? Is it worth it?

I've been dealing with these questions for a while now. I've always been a dreamer, a believer, even an optimistic person (yes, I was...), but life insists on beating me, throwing me to the floor, killing my hopes and dreams, changing my plans... and never for better.

Life lessons, some might say. Ok, I believe some are, as I also believe nothing happens without a reason. But as I once read... Sometimes I just wish I knew what that reason was, because you take it all, you fight, you keep believing and telling yourself to be strong, to held on tight, to keep your feet on the ground and your head high. Until one day...

One day you'll wake up and start asking yourself what if?
What if the man you love will never love you back or, if he does, will he ever be brave enough to come forward? Because you did... you put yourself out there and opened your heart and showed your feelings... What for?

Will you ever be enough at work? Ok, you know your value, you know you're good at what you do, but still you feel your work isn't fully appreciated, some coworkers refuse to respect you and you're not even remotely well paid. What to do? Get a new job? Keep holding until you snap? Or keep hoping for that day (that may not come...) when someone will recognize the value you are and all you gave to the company and finally give you what you think it's fair?

What if all your friends are getting tired of you just because you're depressed due to all of the above and something more? Do they stay? Do they want to stay? Do they gently start avoiding you? Do they just turn their backs on you? And you? Do you keep counting on them to tell them how you feel? Or, instead, you start avoiding them as well? Avoiding each and everything that results in you talking about how you feel, how suffocated an hopeless you are right now?

What if you can never get any of your dreams / goals fulfilled? A house you can call home, the love of your life, a handful of friends, your family healthy and enjoying life, a good job with a nice paycheck, being able to travel... all this without having to worry each and every time about what comes next. 'Cause those were my goals / dreams... and one by one, they have been falling / disappearing, changed by force of circumstances. And I don't like it. Don't like it at all.

Not being able to change it is the worst of all. No matter what I do, what I try, what I say... things never go my way. So I ask again. What if this is it? Is it worth it? Will I be able to live without everything I wanted / hoped for? To be just... this?